I am not an expert on bipolar disorder... I just live with it. This is my blog of hope and encouragement.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Defeated **Warning...contains thoughts on suicide"

I have already written on how this winter has been hard.  The medical treatment of my bipolar disorder is falling apart; I am suffering from side effects of having been on the meds for so long; I have other medical problems like Fibromyalgia, degenerative eye disease, and tooth/sinus infections; I'm just not doing well.

For a while I was manically throwing everything into feeling better:  getting on a healthy eating kick; following a walking training plan for the intent of running one day; changing doctors from a trainee to an internal medicine specialist; cleaning up my studio with the intent of painting again; getting back on the dating site in hopes of meeting someone; ...writing this blog.

None of it has worked.  And as bipolar disorder would have it, I am no longer manic but hopelessly depressed.  Looking back on the past week or so I see I have been getting my affairs in order; I quit my part time job; I gave away most of my paintings; I plan to give away my photography; I do not want or need it anymore.

Down through the years I have tried painting (never went anywhere), writing (never went anywhere), I was a programmer for 22 years (career aborted due to severe depression), I raised two children (but I have given both of them bipolar disorder.)    One person has commented on my blog (bless her heart.)  I am defeated.

Last night I gave my son my bottle of Lorazepam for safe keeping.  He did not take it.  I think he felt by not taking it he was diffusing the situation.  I felt not only defeated but dismissed.  I do not blame him.  He is young and not a professional at handling such situations.

This is not good.  I am alone in the house.  The bottle of pills is back in the bedside table drawer.

It is raining and cold.

I could call my psychiatrist or a friend or one of my children.  Or I could just check out the emergency room.

I do not want to die and cause all that trauma to my children and friends.  I just want to feel better.  I do not want to live this life anymore.  I want it to change.


  1. I'm never quite sure what to say to express empathy and well wishes... so I'll go with 'brains suck'. Hope it lets up on you.

    1. Thank you, Lillith. Brains do suck. It's been a rough ride today. I appreciate your being there.

  2. Hi. I don't ever feel like I know what to say when someone is feeling so terrible and not "safe" either... even being alone with their meds. I can say I'm sorry your mania let you down so hard. The word "Suicide" came forth from the back of my mind yesterday. We all want to feel better, and I don't want to live this life either. I want it to change too. The awful depression will pass. Remember the list of things that you like to do, or that you found comforting? Maybe you could try try try to do something on the list, and get lots of rest. I would also suggest talking to a friend or the psychiatrist so you don't feel alone and you're talking to someone that understands your situation and accepts you. If you find that you just can't rest and don't feel safe at home alone, is there a friend that you could stay with? Otherwise I would recommend the hospital (and I've done this) just for an escape from your thoughts and the walls closing in on you. It's a distraction, you'll get fed, meds, and they'll make sure you sleep. You could also talk to other people there that may feel the same. I'm sending you some positive energy (ok, so I had to borrow it) to feel calm, and safe, and comfortable, and get through this storm, because the weather always changes like our moods. Take care of you.

    1. Thank you for your positive energy, even if it was borrowed. I tried to contact my psychiatrist. I even sent him a link to my post. In fact, I am still trying to get in touch with him, although I am feeling better. After I wrote the post and was unable to reach anyone I spent about an hour reading web pages on suicide, the warning signs, etc. Then I put on a movie, pulled the blanket over my head, and went to sleep. I don't remember dreaming or anything. When I woke I didn't want to be alone in the house so I went to the grocery store and bought food that only I like. Walking around and making decisions seemed to break my head loose a bit. And now I'm making supper. I don't think this downward swing is over but I made it through the worst of it, I hope. Thanks again.