Who is the Real Me?

I remember sitting with a priest shortly after I was diagnosed and put on lithium. As tears dripped down my cheeks, I asked her, “who is the real me? Am I me covered up with moods that will finally be removed? Or will the real me be silenced by the lithium? Where is my soul in all of this, my spirit?” As I recall, she had nothing of consequence to say…so few people are equipped to handle such questions. But the questions persist.

I’ve had friends suggest that I not take the medications so as to not interfere with my soul’s work. There are counselors and therapists who believe depression is useful. But at the time I had no choice…I was drowning. My children were not being well taken care of. My professional life was littered with inappropriate relationships, broken promises, and incomplete projects. And I was very, very sick.

Julian of Norwich said, "It is a lofty understanding inwardly to see and to know that God, who is our maker, dwells in our soul, and it is a still loftier and greater understanding inwardly to see and to know that our soul, which is created, dwells in God's substance. From this substance we are what we are, by God." I believe that that which stands rooted in God is not uprooted by medication. My soul work has simply changed.

Relationships and Other Disasters

Looking back I would say that I have made some very poor choices in relationships. Irrational passion often led me into inappropriate situations…particularly at work. In the common vernacular, I behaved badly. Unfortunately, those tempestuous affairs were all I knew of love.

There was the relationship where I married the dream. He wanted what I wanted…land and a farm. We were going to raise hemlocks and herbs. His aspirations were all right. His character was not. Two children later, he left.

Then there was the married college professor where I was the dream. I didn’t have the strength of character to say no…at least not for four years.

Then there was the bad boy in high school whom I adored. Even in my dreams today he has the power to slam me down with rejection.

Now, in the days of relative stability, I am unsure of what I am doing. Without the raging emotions driving me into relationship, I am left with logic and reason. Where’s the spark? Has my ‘sparker’ been medicated into submission? I’m just wondering if I will ever again feel that giddy flip flop of infatuation…or if I even want to. I’m overly cautious now. I don’t trust the assertions of others…particularly those men who know I’m bipolar and who believe all bipolar women are ‘over-sexed.’ So I pray for guidance and trust that in time I will know when I am safe and loved and willing to risk and give again.

Aftermath

All is well but now I fall. I've been up and down for days depending on circumstances. At this moment, I just feel spent, worn out from the turmoil. I could try to nap but I won't sleep. My mind will spin around thoughts and images and desires related to the past few days.

This too shall pass...but right now I need relief of some sort. I'm trying to paint but the process moves too slow. I've done laundry and dishes and that is good. I suppose I could benefit from a little structure...lists and requests. I try to write but nothing brilliant comes.

Tomorrow will be a better day...

I'm unstable

I've gone manic over a new friendship. I await emails and phone calls as if I have an addiction. If I don't get a grip, I am going to ruin everything. What do I do?

First of all, break the cycle of obsession. What else can I focus on? painting, writing, dishes, laundry,... I may go at them in a manic manner but they are safe, acceptable activities.

Then, make sure I'm getting enough rest and sleep. Mania disturbs sleep which exacerbates mania.

Contract emotionally. After child birth, if the uterus does not contract, the mother could bleed to death. After a great emotional upheaval, if I don't contract (regroup, center,...) I could bleed to death emotionally.

Find something else to focus on, something that feeds me emotionally because disappointment could be devastating.

I hate to have such a defeatist attitude but this is life we're talking about.

I fear Mania

Mania gets you into trouble and hurts people. True, some of my most productive efforts were while I was hypo-manic...I painted better, I wrote better, I was a more social person... but the pain, suffering, and depression that came after were often excruciating. Therefore, I am very wary of any activity that feels remotely driven by mania…shopping that gets out of control, relationships based primarily on physical attraction, new crafts or projects requiring the purchase of new equipment or materials, or jobs requiring a whole new wardrobe. Henry David Thoreau said to beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes.

I wonder…does my fear limit my enjoyment of the moment? Somewhat. Will I ever get over this fear? Perhaps. But for now, I think I would rather be safe than sorry. I am recalling the debt, clutter, and stress. This is one area where a good friend or therapist is invaluable. She can pass judgment from the outside and advise me on whether I am being reasonable or not. Am I being grandiose or is this book idea feasible? Is this extreme religiosity or is God answering my prayer? Are these nine suits a good investment or should I reconsider this job opportunity? I look forward to the time when I can make better judgments from the inside and not live in fear.