Mania gets you into trouble and hurts people. True, some of my most productive efforts were while I was hypo-manic...I painted better, I wrote better, I was a more social person... but the pain, suffering, and depression that came after were often excruciating. Therefore, I am very wary of any activity that feels remotely driven by mania…shopping that gets out of control, relationships based primarily on physical attraction, new crafts or projects requiring the purchase of new equipment or materials, or jobs requiring a whole new wardrobe. Henry David Thoreau said to beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes.
I wonder…does my fear limit my enjoyment of the moment? Somewhat. Will I ever get over this fear? Perhaps. But for now, I think I would rather be safe than sorry. I am recalling the debt, clutter, and stress. This is one area where a good friend or therapist is invaluable. She can pass judgment from the outside and advise me on whether I am being reasonable or not. Am I being grandiose or is this book idea feasible? Is this extreme religiosity or is God answering my prayer? Are these nine suits a good investment or should I reconsider this job opportunity? I look forward to the time when I can make better judgments from the inside and not live in fear.
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I'm currently going through some life changes, doing things I feel need doing. And it feels good, like I'm living my own life again rather than getting by on habit.
ReplyDeleteBut the fear keeps rearing its head, the fear that maybe I'm not having a good day, maybe this is the start of more mania.
A friend today told me I'm surely doing the right thing, he can see the change in my demeanor bought on by the decision. I can't help but fear it's a different change in mood he's noticing.
Mania... it's so unfair that we should fear something so close to the best of us. So hard to tell from good decisions or good times.
Thanks for your blog. Found it tonight searching for "mania fear". There's a comfort in knowing that people make it through. The notion that I might also be still struggling with these things at fifty or so.