Relationships and Other Disasters

Looking back I would say that I have made some very poor choices in relationships. Irrational passion often led me into inappropriate situations…particularly at work. In the common vernacular, I behaved badly. Unfortunately, those tempestuous affairs were all I knew of love.

There was the relationship where I married the dream. He wanted what I wanted…land and a farm. We were going to raise hemlocks and herbs. His aspirations were all right. His character was not. Two children later, he left.

Then there was the married college professor where I was the dream. I didn’t have the strength of character to say no…at least not for four years.

Then there was the bad boy in high school whom I adored. Even in my dreams today he has the power to slam me down with rejection.

Now, in the days of relative stability, I am unsure of what I am doing. Without the raging emotions driving me into relationship, I am left with logic and reason. Where’s the spark? Has my ‘sparker’ been medicated into submission? I’m just wondering if I will ever again feel that giddy flip flop of infatuation…or if I even want to. I’m overly cautious now. I don’t trust the assertions of others…particularly those men who know I’m bipolar and who believe all bipolar women are ‘over-sexed.’ So I pray for guidance and trust that in time I will know when I am safe and loved and willing to risk and give again.