Guilt

Where do I begin? I was not a good mother. If it were not for the day care workers and grandparents my children would have had no 'rearing,' as they say. Breakfast was fast food in the car seat as I drove recklessly to the daycare then on to work. I often left the children in their pajamas with a bag of clothes for the day. Thankfully, I had a good salary. However, rather than prepare nice meals, I made macaroni and cheese out of a box. I made up the difference with expensive toys and books.

The worst part was the anger and withdrawal...just wanting to be left alone to paint or write or work in the darkroom. The children were understandably shaken by this. It breaks my heart to think of those sweet children, frightened and alone. I was incorrectly diagnosed then and, therefore, not properly medicated. Prozac is not for bipolar people.

The children are fine now. I was fortunate to have health insurance to pay for therapy for them in their teen years. As young adults, one has struggled with mood issues of his own but they both are brilliant young adults, have jobs and social lives, and don't seem to be too angry with me. They see the difference now that I am properly medicated and understand.

So what do I do with the guilt? I write about it. I write about the bipolar disorder. I live medicated and stable and, hopefully, demonstrate a life well-managed. And I try to be kind.

Easter Crass

Totally unrelated to the meaning of Easter, I love to partake of the celebration of Easter as if it were the first official day of Spring. This year I purchased a statue of a rabbit standing upright, holding a bunch of carrots behind his back. Around him I spread bright green grass. In the wee hours this morning, I arranged brightly colored eggs and foil-wrapped chocolate 'carrots.' My children still love to see what the Easter Bunny brought.

Then there's the clothes. Regardless of whether I go to church, I still feel the need to have a new outfit for Easter. This year it's a black and white dress complete with black and white, wide-brimmed hat. I am decked out.

I'd have gone to church if I didn't have to work today. And, yes, I'm wearing the hat to work. But something's bothering me. As much fun as all of this is, I feel the lack of a spiritual celebration. I've never done the stations of the cross...I don't even know what it is. But I think I would have gotten a lot more out of Easter had I participated.

Jesus Christ is risen today...

Forgiveness or not

Should we feel compelled to forgive the bad behavior of a friend or family member if it is symptomatic of bipolar disorder? That's tough. If the behavior is brought on by drugs or alcohol, we are advised to use tough love. But what if mental illness is involved?

An acquaintance of mine is witnessing her bipolar husband's infidelity and apparent porn addiction. When he is depressed, he doesn't get out of the bed. Bills are piling up and he doesn't work. She's wondering whether it is wrong to be resentful.

My question is...is he on meds? If he is, and he is taking them religiously, and the doctor thinks it is the best he can do, well then you have to be looking at your vows. But if he could be taking meds but isn't, I believe it is time for tough love. I would not be resentful...I'd be serving him an ultimatum.