Air Hunger

     Here is a new one for me, Air Hunger, otherwise known as Dyspnea.  Wikipedia defines it as "an uncomfortable awareness of one's breath effort."  That is my latest side effect of bipolar disorder, or the medications I take for it, or something else.  I consciously take a slow deep inhale and then a quick exhale...sort of like a 'puff.' I do this all the time, when I go to sleep, when I wake up, I do not have to think about it;  it just happens. I initially thought of it as comforting... sort of like a meditative breathing.  It is calming but I'm not having an anxiety or panic attack.

     Well, I thought it was calming until I looked up what it could be caused by:  pulmonary hypertension, heart disease, diabetes, COPD, GERD, sleep apnea,  asthma, shock, chronic heart failure, pulmonary embolism, imminent death... among other diseases I can not spell or pronounce.  Well, I think we can rule out 'imminent death.'  And I have never smoked, except for a few cigars in college, so it is likely not COPD.  It might be GERD or sleep apnea, both of which will require further exploration.  I have been tested for diabetes and do not have any chest pain.  Then again, it could just be bipolar disorder.

     There is documentation on the web about air hunger and bipolar disorder (usually related to panic and anxiety) but I have yet to find any real medical evidence.  I will keep looking.  In the meantime, I am trying an exercise to 'normalize' the oxygen and CO2 levels in my blood.  I found this on Reddit (my son's favorite website)

   "the reason why you feel air hunger is because your body has low carbon dioxide levels as a   result of stress. When under stress, you breathe in more air and exhale a greater amount of carbon dioxide. This creates a viscous (sic) cycle causing your body to inhale more and more deeply to maintain the carbon dioxide level. If you continue to do this over a prolonged period of time then your body deems your increased breathing volume as "normal" and as a result you will constantly feel short of breath unless you keep taking in big breaths.

Your goal is to break this habit and restore your oxygen/carbon dioxide levels back to a healthier level. "

     Thank you, username outlooker707 on Reddit. Outlooker goes on to describe steps to "break the habit."  It may take weeks or months.  By then I should know if this Air Hunger is being brought on by something more 'serious.'  In the meantime, I will be on the lookout for more information.  If you deal with Air Hunger and have some insight, please comment. In fact there is a blog devoted to Living with Air Hunger.  The author describes her condition as having been a lifelong problem, finally finds a doctor who will listen to her, and that is her last post.  I hope that is a good sign.

     Next up, Tardive Dyskinesia

Pain and Comfort

I'm on the path to gaining weight:  cereal at night, frozen yogurt, sugar in my coffee.  I have been needing comfort.  Broken sleep isn't going to help, either.

I have had a toothache for three or four weeks...ever since I had a tooth filled.  But that is not where it hurts. In fact, we can not tell exactly where the pain is coming from.  It hurts all over the side of my head and down my jaw.  I have been taking ibuprofen and Tylenol around the clock for weeks.  I hate to think what that is doing to my lithium levels...or my kidneys and liver, for that matter.

I'm tired of pain.  I'm tired of dry mouth.  I'm tired of non-stop tongue and jaw movement (tardive dyskinesia).  I'm tired of sighing.  I'm tired of not sleeping through the night. But, what I am doing for comfort is sabotaging the one aspect of my life that is going right for me these days:  My weight is down.  I have 15-25 lbs. to go but I've lost 25 lbs. since last Fall...when I stopped taking Abilify and we jacked up the Lithium...and I became so sick.

The challenge now is to identify some other activity that will comfort me and not harm me or my efforts.  For example...

• There are beneficial foods that can be comforting, like fruit, small amounts of protein, even cereal...just not in the middle of the night.
• There are books of inspiration and comfort.  (I may elaborate on this in a later post.) 
• There are music, candles, and incense.
• Favorite movies.
• Gentle yoga
• A long walk
• A short walk
• Bubble bath
• Hair cut (my beautician gives an incredibly nice head massage)
• Putting an area of the house in order, like my desk or dresser.  I find cleared, smooth surfaces (especially wood surfaces) soothing.
• Sweeping the floor (again with the wood surface). Of course, having someone else sweep the floor would be nice...but that requires a struggle...and that is a whole other post.

I need pain relief...I need comfort.  Do you have any ideas?  What do you do for comfort?  I'd love to know...

Living in a Bipolar Family

I live with my son (24) and daughter (26) who are also bipolar.  (Their father left when my son was born and I suspect he was bipolar, too, based on his behavior.)

We struggled for a long time when they were younger about whether or not they were bipolar.  They thought my suspicions were merely a case of misery loving company.  But when symptoms became difficult to manage, when they were around 20, they acquiesced and sought help.  One had to be hospitalized, first.  She is now on medication.  The other is not on medication, but is followed by a psychiatrist.  My son paces and listens to music...a lot.  He has not been able to keep a full-time job so he has the ability to flow with his moods and pace all night if need be.

My daughter's moods were volatile.  Even on meds, she can explode.  My son's moods are more internal...brooding and cynical.  My moods manifest themselves in a more physical fashion...tremors, tics, busy-ness, creativity, sleepiness, aches, and pains.  We have shifted into a place where we understand and accept what is going on.  Well, accept isn't quite the right word.  We know what is happening is a manifestation of the disorder but we expect a certain amount of responsibility from the other person.  In other words, get a grip.  If you have missed your meds, find them.  If you need sleep, get it.  You may be feeling bad but it is not nice to tell me to shut up.

We have had a bad day today.  I'm crashing down from 7 days of mania.  My kids are prickly and defensive for whatever reason.  Maybe my not doing well makes them nervous...still.  I tend to suck it up and stay out of their way.  That is not the best thing to do.  After all, their rights end where mine begin.  But when you are dealing with three adults, with fluctuating moods, in a small house, you have to expect a certain amount of friction.

It's quiet now.  My son has gone to work.  My daughter is sleeping.  The sun is setting.  I'm sitting in the twilight, typing.  This isn't an easy situation we have here but I prefer it to one where the other members of the household have not a clue what I am going through.  Besides, when I give serious thought to what my life is about, I find consolation in the hope that I am in some way helping my children find their way.

The Morning After

I've been manic for about 6 or 7 days...until this morning.  I knew it was coming.  My brilliantly productive mania had slid into a chaotic, unfocused mania for a day or two.  Now I am sliding further into malaise and depression.

I hurt all over...particularly my joints and belly, identified as Fibromyalgia and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  Unexpectedly, my tongue and jaw are still hyper-active (Tardive Dyskinesia) which I was suspecting was accompanying my mania.  Maybe not.  Maybe it is all the time now.

Always trying to make the best of things, I will look on this mood change as a welcomed time of rest.  My to-do list is still nearly a page long...it exhausts me to read it.  There are items that are still considered critical...pay bills, reconcile budget (what went wrong?), etc.  There are items that would benefit me...call Sue, read, go for a walk, do yoga, meditate, make a pot of tea, etc.  More than likely I will spend some time standing at the window, staring out.

I've been doing this long enough to know how this goes...it doesn't last for ever, I haven't died from it...yet, I can go with it a use it to my advantage.  I do some of my best thinking and writing when depressed.  I take the time to appreciate the work I accomplished when I was manic.  This is what is.

Breathe deep, move slow, this too shall pass.

Managing Mania

I'm a rapid cycler which means my mood extremes don't last for months or years but rather for days or weeks...or minutes.  I've been manic for the past 5 or 6 days.  At first it was great tackling things around that house that needed to be done, throwing out clutter, clearing my desk, organizing my closet,...even going for long fast walks,...

But the last few days have been compounded with confusion, distraction, ADHD-type behavior.  I do have some Adderall that was prescribed last Fall but not started...I had too much crazy $#!+ going on at the time with medications and side effects.  All that has calmed down to a distracting hum...head tremor, busy tongue and jaw (Tardive Dyskinesia), dry mouth.  Maybe I'll try the Adderall today if I don't settle down.

In the meantime, there are several activities I think I will try.  One, is this...writing...getting a grasp of what is going on.  Two...making a "to do" list to get all thoughts and intentions out of my head and onto paper...complete with priorities and the time it will take to do each one.  Three...meditation, yoga, exercise...or maybe all three, after all I have all day.

"Having all day..." is the mindset that gets me into trouble.  I start out in five directions, make a list two pages long, feel really bad when I only accomplish the first four items, ...

Of course, there is so much more to managing mania.  Some manias are not productive but destructive, angry, and chaotic.  Agitated mixed states can be dangerous, in fact.  That's when we use doctors, hospitals, and 911.  My son paces.  I write...and walk...and try to Not go shopping.

An Experiment

It was dumb, I'll admit.  But I had to try.  I was looking for courage and compassion.

Down through the years since my divorce (1990), I have joined several dating sites...and let them lapse.  Strange thing is these sites will continue to send me emails and flirts from men to entice me to join back up.  Considering my situation, these men are usually not suitable for me.  Well, yesterday, in a moment of boredom, loneliness, and secret optimism, I joined back up to one of these sites.  I not only did a search and indicated interest in half a dozen men, I updated my profile.  Here's the trick...I added that I was bipolar.

I don't know what I was thinking.  Maybe I was hoping for the benefit of the doubt.  I mean, the people I know don't shun me.  I'm not dangerous.  And I apologize when I have too many problems to complain about.  I don't drool...not since we lowered my lithium.  And I have sincere compassion for those who do.  I just wanted to be accepted as I am and not have to worry about when to tell.  Lay it out up front.  Well, I got what I was asking for...

One of the men I expressed interest in not only blocked me, he sent a message thanking me for my email but he "politely declined from further communication."  It was the first time I have ever received that kind of response.

Now, maybe I am jumping to conclusions.  Maybe he doesn't like blondes or didn't like what I said about NASCAR.  But my reaction was swift...I shut the browser window, shut the laptop, and put it away.  I felt blank and cold.  It was a while before I felt the sadness and isolation.  Perhaps I'll eventually feel anger.  Not now, though.  I just feel numb.

I have run across other bipolar blogs that deal with relationships...perhaps I need to read them.  Maybe there's a "Dating for the Mentally Ill" web site.  (Is that a little anger showing up?)  It takes love to live with a person with bipolar disorder...love, patience, acceptance, kindness, perseverance, faith, hope...  You can't expect that from a stranger.  They don't show up with love and commitment.  Faith takes time.

So what am I wanting to say here?  For those of us not in a 'significant other' relationship, perhaps we are enough.  We have to dig deeper or wider for compassion and hope.  I have friends who love me...children...pets.  That can be enough.  I will watch the sunrise, write, paint, take my meds, set goals, try to make my own little world a better place.

Sun's up...

I'm cycling again

I am cycling again.  We have lowered my dose of Lithium again to try to get rid of the tardive dyskinesia, dry mouth, metallic taste, and bitter tongue.  Those problems are better but not gone.  Problem is, I am cycling.  I have been manic for a few days...obsessively tackling the mess and clutter that has accumulated over the months and years of depression and denial.  Note, I think Abilify can make you feel like you are doing better than you really are.

So, I am manic, for now.  I am up at 5:30 am making my to-do list.  When I am going in four directions at once, the children make me sit and listen to music or do nothing for a while...which is painful because there is so much that needs to be done.

I have no life.  I am a human doing.  And depression will come soon enough.  I am overdrawn and it is only the 15th of the month.  The sewer has backed up into the basement.  My only joy is feeding the birds and I am out of seeds.

I am searching for new coping skills.  I have cleaned off my overflowing book shelf and isolated a dozen or more books of inspiration.  I have moved my chair over by the shelf and read random selections in the morning and at night.  I have downloaded a long series of stretching and strengthening exercises for my core and hips hoping that that will bolster my commitment to walk...and my dream to run.  And I watch the snow, waiting for Spring.

At least I am desperate to feel better.  A month or so ago I was considering the alternative.

A Rough Winter

A while back I posted (railed, actually) about an incredibly insensitive pharmacist who declared that bipolar women my age quite often committed suicide because their medications quit working.  Well, it seems that has come back to bite me...the 'quit working' part, anyway.  Last summer/fall I developed Parkinsonian symptoms...tremor, primarily, but also dizziness, confusion, memory loss, hesitation, etc.  My doctor suspected the Abilify so we tapered that off and increased the Lithium. I wasn't sleeping so I was prescribed Lunesta.  A short time after that I developed Tardive Dyskinesia...my tongue and jaw would not stay still.  It affected my speech and eating...not to mention my appearance...and eventually affected my ability to swallow.  Then came the bitter tongue, dry mouth, and metallic taste.  Blood tests revealed that my lithium level was 1.2...within published therapeutic range, but way too high for me.  We lowered my dose of lithium and that helped the metallic taste.  We lowered it some more and added Mirapex to help with the other symptoms.

Long story short, everything got better...for a while.  I stopped the Lunesta.  It had quit working and apparently caused the bitter tongue.  But everything is back...Parkinsonian symptoms, slightly improved, tongue/jaw movement, dry mouth...and because I am on a lowered dose of Lithium, I'm cycling.  Some days I can't sit still and build 2-full page to-do lists, cleaning house all day; Other days, I'm so uncomfortable and foggy headed I just stand in the middle of the room and stare into space.

That is when I start wondering, "What is my life?"  I feel miserable, I don't want to be around anybody, everything tastes bad,...  On 'good' days I devise plans of attack.  Because I have lost 15 lbs. from not eating much (everything tastes bad and eating is difficult) I have decided to continue the trend by walking and eventually running.  I have decided that I want to run before I die; If not now, when?  Well, one week into the 7-week training plan, I develop sciatica.  Have I mentioned that I also have Fibromyalgia?

Another area for attack is my house.  When I was happily on Abilify, I wasn't paying too much attention to the state of things.  Without the happy-filter, I see how much needs to be done...hence the two pages of to-do's ...and that's just to get started.

In unrelated matters, I had a molar filled and the dentist owned up to lacerating my gum and hyper-extending my jaw joint.  I have been on Ibuprofen for days, which increases my blood lithium levels, which exacerbates my adverse side effects.  To top it off, my sewer backed up into the basement and there is 10-inches of snow on the ground.  I'M READY FOR SPRING in oh, so many ways!!

Thoughts of suicide?  Oh, they have been there.  I know how I would do it and I have even told my doctor and therapist.  I really have nothing more to say about that.  I don't want to prove that pharmacist right nor do I want to devastate my children.  So I continue to work with my doctors, try to exercise and eat right, take the current collection of meds, meditate/nap, and read for inspiration...except when I stand in the middle of the room and stare into space.

This post is probably not going to help anybody beyond letting you know that I understand.  Let me know if you want to chat.