I have been in a bad place for a while but now I am finally on my way back up. This was a bad one. I quit my job, and nearly burned those bridges, as well. I counted pills and did research. I told my children as well as my doctors. I pulled out my will and printed out information on how to claim my life insurance. It was like following a to do list. When I felt like there was nothing between me and the edge, I put a simple post on a mental health website: "I have discovered, that when the idea of taking your own life no longer scares you, you are on a very slippery slope," or something to that effect.
I am grateful to those who responded by asking me to please be safe. I read those messages over and over. They became a mantra, of sorts. There were those, however, who wanted to argue semantics with me, that if I had used different terminology, they might have taken me seriously. Really?
Feeling a bit better yesterday, I posted the details of what I deal with and why simply coming out of a depression will not fix the situation entirely. I waited all day to hear from someone...anyone. At the end of the day, when I had received no comments of commiseration, compassion, or criticism, I thanked all those who had cared before and said, "well, I guess that's it."
This morning, the web site moderators took that to be a suicide note and removed me from the system. If I didn't feel isolated before, I do now.
I originally intended this blog to offer hope and encouragement to people who suffer from the struggles of bipolar disorder. When I started it, I was semi-manic, lucid, optimistic, and functionally creative. Now, I feel like the blind leading the blind. I'm not in a place to give hope. I struggle to understand what it is all for.
As I have testified on this blog before, when you are down, it feels like you have always been down and that you will always be down...that the landscape will always be bleak, the road will always be uphill, and that the horizon will always be pointless. I am taking it on faith that this will Not always be the case. That this too shall pass.