I'm tired. I'm fed up. I say the wrong thing. I do the wrong thing. I live the wrong way. I realize 'normal' people make mistakes, but I do the wrong thing all the time. Just ask my children or my friends or my coworkers or the people I meet online. Life will be sailing along and suddenly I'll rock the boat. I'll step over the line. And ruin everything.
I need asylum. I need a place to go where I am allowed and expected to be dysfunctional, a place where I am safe and not expected to interact with others in any meaningful way...except to take pills. It would be nice if there were azaleas and oak trees but right now I'd be content with a cardboard box.
I'm not depressed. I'm not manic. I'm not suicidal. But I am tired. I feel that if I could just stand still, not say anything, not write anything, not think or feel anything, then maybe I would do no harm. No additional harm. I have been so inappropriate all my life that I embarrass myself. I am appalled at some of the things I have said and done. Some of it is documented online, or in databases, or people's memories. It's out there. And the darn thing is, I don't feel inappropriate when I'm doing it...just when I'm looking back on it.
Why can't I just be nice and normal? Why did I have to be bipolar? Or why couldn't I be so mentally ill that I don't know what I'm doing...even later.
I'm sorry, there's not much hope or encouragement in this post. I'm afraid of what my next gaffe is going to be.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
(hug)
ReplyDeleteNobody expects you to be "appropriate" all the time, and that can mean too many different things in different situations, so many stupid masks to put on and juggle. I would try to stop thinking about things that you might do as being "inappropriate" (unless you get the cuffs slapped on you), they are part of you, and make you interesting and special. To hell with "nice and normal". "Nice & Normal" is the name of a cheap hair dye, isn't it? To cover up your natural colors. You don't need to be writing positive things when you aren't feeling that way. Just continue to write what you feel, maybe what you want to purge? It's all good. Just be glad you weren't a bipolar alkie boozin' it up and running wild. THAT is when you find yourself doing inappropriate things or having to hear about it the next day. "Oh, remember when you were giving A that really hot lap dance? I didn't know that you could dance like that" hahaha That's just a drop in the bucket of shame that I'm supposed to feel, but I say too hell with it, that was in the past! I'm more worried about now and the next few hours. You don't have to be anybody's Encouraging Positive Bipolar Hero 24/7. Never apologize for the way that you feel. It is not your fault. Choosing to express it is a different thing, Writing it out of your system, for me, feels pretty good mostly. I'll shut the hell up now. Sorry! :)
ReplyDeleteI like what I think I'm seeing as your artwork above "My Blog List"
You're wonderful...and you're right. As my psychiatrist says, I am responsible for what I do but I wasn't in the driver's seat. True, I could be an addict or an alcoholic and I could be seriously hurting other people not just being inappropriate. But it does get old...
DeleteWhich paintings do you like? I think you can see them better on http://www.flickr.com/photos/kitsy_1955/