I am corresponding with a man whom I knew 32 years ago. He was a kid, 19. I was 25. Looking back on it now, I was probably using him. I have had to confess that to him now and I am ashamed. At 25, I was just beginning to manifest full blown bipolar behavior. I'm not sure what it is about bipolar behavior that causes us to have inappropriate relationships...to use people. Is it because we are impulsive when we are manic? Is it the sex drive? Is it being needy when we are depressed? All I know is we often do not take the time to think things through. For me, my boundaries were blurred. Impulsive acts of intimacy were common in my youth. Today, I am relatively stable...and alone. Have I played all my cards? Burned all my bridges? Ruined one too many relationships?
The man has been wondering what happened 32 years ago. I have had to tell him. What I thought was going to be a new friendship may simply be a healing...a coming to terms with impulsive behavior...my payback. Being bipolar has its costs. The pain of inappropriate relationships is one.