When Erratic Energy meets with Despair

This is where it gets dicey.  If you are familiar with bipolar disorder, you have probably heard the term 'mixed states.' You probably also know that suicide is attempted more often when the sufferer is considered 'agitated.'

In terms of energy, the state of 'mixed state' can best be described ( in my view) as rapidly changing and erratic.  Think of problems with the power lines when the lights flicker or glow brighter than usual, power surges cause appliances and electronics to pop and trip breakers, and computers don't know what to do and often shut down.

If you are attempting to monitor your energy, in conjunction with circumstances, it is nearly impossible to gauge.  At times like that, the state of your circumstances governs what you should do.  For example, if circumstances are okay, walking or meditation may be helpful to even out the energy.  Avoiding problematic situations (shopping, conversations which can go awry, or dealing with potentially stressful issues) is probably a good idea.

If circumstances suck, the combination of that with erratic energy can be dangerous.  Psychiatrists use the term "agitation" to describe the feelings of confusion, despair, hopelessness and panic...and all kinds of red flags fly up. Inappropriate outbursts at just about any frustration are likely.  Poor concentration and the inability to put things in perspective can lead to suicidal thoughts.

It is my suggestion to first 'table' all concern for the circumstances, if possible.  My table of choice is at the feet of Jesus.  Then get thoughts about the circumstances out of your head.  Write them down if you feel the need to keep track of the details but do what you must to quiet your mind.

Then, address the energy.  If it is intense, find a way to release some.  I listen to music that makes me cry...and I usually listen to it really really loud.  The first audition of Charlotte and Jonathan singing "My Prayer," does it for me; or Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings" (The premier performance by Arturo Toscanini, if you can find it); or "Bring Him Home" (Colm Wilkinson or Alfie Boe); Nessun Dorma (Pavarotti or, a personal favorite, Alfie Boe "warbles a bit").  I even cry when listening to "NASA's Orion Space Launch set to Interstellar Soundtrack (the 1st one listed)"

But, I digress.  The idea is to expel some energy in a safe and healthy way...and I think crying is healthy.

Before picking the circumstances back up, if you must, you should assess your energy.  If your energy is too low to deal with the issues, and if they can wait, let them wait.  Napping is good.

If circumstances are dire, you need to establish a safe situation for yourself.  Call someone who has experience with such matters.  Let someone, someone who will respond with compassion and strength, know what you are going through. Do not go through it alone.  Being aware of His presence will help, but if your thinking is distorted, your perception of His voice may be, too.

If you do not feel safe, take yourself to the hospital; let someone else do the thinking for a while.  You need to build up your strength so you can see things clearly again, so you can accurately assess your energy and your options and make good choices.

Jesus is there; help is available; you are not alone.  I know what of I speak.

The Morning After

I've been manic for about 6 or 7 days...until this morning.  I knew it was coming.  My brilliantly productive mania had slid into a chaotic, unfocused mania for a day or two.  Now I am sliding further into malaise and depression.

I hurt all over...particularly my joints and belly, identified as Fibromyalgia and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  Unexpectedly, my tongue and jaw are still hyper-active (Tardive Dyskinesia) which I was suspecting was accompanying my mania.  Maybe not.  Maybe it is all the time now.

Always trying to make the best of things, I will look on this mood change as a welcomed time of rest.  My to-do list is still nearly a page long...it exhausts me to read it.  There are items that are still considered critical...pay bills, reconcile budget (what went wrong?), etc.  There are items that would benefit me...call Sue, read, go for a walk, do yoga, meditate, make a pot of tea, etc.  More than likely I will spend some time standing at the window, staring out.

I've been doing this long enough to know how this goes...it doesn't last for ever, I haven't died from it...yet, I can go with it a use it to my advantage.  I do some of my best thinking and writing when depressed.  I take the time to appreciate the work I accomplished when I was manic.  This is what is.

Breathe deep, move slow, this too shall pass.

I'm cycling again

I am cycling again.  We have lowered my dose of Lithium again to try to get rid of the tardive dyskinesia, dry mouth, metallic taste, and bitter tongue.  Those problems are better but not gone.  Problem is, I am cycling.  I have been manic for a few days...obsessively tackling the mess and clutter that has accumulated over the months and years of depression and denial.  Note, I think Abilify can make you feel like you are doing better than you really are.

So, I am manic, for now.  I am up at 5:30 am making my to-do list.  When I am going in four directions at once, the children make me sit and listen to music or do nothing for a while...which is painful because there is so much that needs to be done.

I have no life.  I am a human doing.  And depression will come soon enough.  I am overdrawn and it is only the 15th of the month.  The sewer has backed up into the basement.  My only joy is feeding the birds and I am out of seeds.

I am searching for new coping skills.  I have cleaned off my overflowing book shelf and isolated a dozen or more books of inspiration.  I have moved my chair over by the shelf and read random selections in the morning and at night.  I have downloaded a long series of stretching and strengthening exercises for my core and hips hoping that that will bolster my commitment to walk...and my dream to run.  And I watch the snow, waiting for Spring.

At least I am desperate to feel better.  A month or so ago I was considering the alternative.

I'm unstable

I've gone manic over a new friendship. I await emails and phone calls as if I have an addiction. If I don't get a grip, I am going to ruin everything. What do I do?

First of all, break the cycle of obsession. What else can I focus on? painting, writing, dishes, laundry,... I may go at them in a manic manner but they are safe, acceptable activities.

Then, make sure I'm getting enough rest and sleep. Mania disturbs sleep which exacerbates mania.

Contract emotionally. After child birth, if the uterus does not contract, the mother could bleed to death. After a great emotional upheaval, if I don't contract (regroup, center,...) I could bleed to death emotionally.

Find something else to focus on, something that feeds me emotionally because disappointment could be devastating.

I hate to have such a defeatist attitude but this is life we're talking about.