An Experiment

It was dumb, I'll admit.  But I had to try.  I was looking for courage and compassion.

Down through the years since my divorce (1990), I have joined several dating sites...and let them lapse.  Strange thing is these sites will continue to send me emails and flirts from men to entice me to join back up.  Considering my situation, these men are usually not suitable for me.  Well, yesterday, in a moment of boredom, loneliness, and secret optimism, I joined back up to one of these sites.  I not only did a search and indicated interest in half a dozen men, I updated my profile.  Here's the trick...I added that I was bipolar.

I don't know what I was thinking.  Maybe I was hoping for the benefit of the doubt.  I mean, the people I know don't shun me.  I'm not dangerous.  And I apologize when I have too many problems to complain about.  I don't drool...not since we lowered my lithium.  And I have sincere compassion for those who do.  I just wanted to be accepted as I am and not have to worry about when to tell.  Lay it out up front.  Well, I got what I was asking for...

One of the men I expressed interest in not only blocked me, he sent a message thanking me for my email but he "politely declined from further communication."  It was the first time I have ever received that kind of response.

Now, maybe I am jumping to conclusions.  Maybe he doesn't like blondes or didn't like what I said about NASCAR.  But my reaction was swift...I shut the browser window, shut the laptop, and put it away.  I felt blank and cold.  It was a while before I felt the sadness and isolation.  Perhaps I'll eventually feel anger.  Not now, though.  I just feel numb.

I have run across other bipolar blogs that deal with relationships...perhaps I need to read them.  Maybe there's a "Dating for the Mentally Ill" web site.  (Is that a little anger showing up?)  It takes love to live with a person with bipolar disorder...love, patience, acceptance, kindness, perseverance, faith, hope...  You can't expect that from a stranger.  They don't show up with love and commitment.  Faith takes time.

So what am I wanting to say here?  For those of us not in a 'significant other' relationship, perhaps we are enough.  We have to dig deeper or wider for compassion and hope.  I have friends who love me...children...pets.  That can be enough.  I will watch the sunrise, write, paint, take my meds, set goals, try to make my own little world a better place.

Sun's up...

Neurotic

It has not escaped my attention...in fact, I noticed a long time ago...that the 'friend' I have been corresponding with has stopped asking me questions, nor is he prompting me for discussion.  Why is this?  Is he so self-absorbed that he is only interested in his comments...his life?  Or is it a strategy to slowly end our conversation? And if so, what do I do about it?

Are all bipolars neurotic?  I don't know.  I sure am.  I can see how a history of social stress can make you so.  My history of social blunders and super sensitivity cause me to be extra cautious and ...well, neurotic.  Which leads me back to what I do about it.  I can expose my neurosis and inform him of my observation.  I can stop emailing entirely and see what happens.  Or, I can continue to email as usual and feel a little hurt each time I receive his self-centered reply.

What do yo recommend?

Inappropriate Relationships

I am corresponding with a man whom I knew 32 years ago. He was a kid, 19. I was 25. Looking back on it now, I was probably using him. I have had to confess that to him now and I am ashamed. At 25, I was just beginning to manifest full blown bipolar behavior. I'm not sure what it is about bipolar behavior that causes us to have inappropriate relationships...to use people. Is it because we are impulsive when we are manic? Is it the sex drive? Is it being needy when we are depressed? All I know is we often do not take the time to think things through. For me, my boundaries were blurred. Impulsive acts of intimacy were common in my youth. Today, I am relatively stable...and alone. Have I played all my cards? Burned all my bridges? Ruined one too many relationships?

The man has been wondering what happened 32 years ago. I have had to tell him. What I thought was going to be a new friendship may simply be a healing...a coming to terms with impulsive behavior...my payback. Being bipolar has its costs. The pain of inappropriate relationships is one.

Relationships and Other Disasters

Looking back I would say that I have made some very poor choices in relationships. Irrational passion often led me into inappropriate situations…particularly at work. In the common vernacular, I behaved badly. Unfortunately, those tempestuous affairs were all I knew of love.

There was the relationship where I married the dream. He wanted what I wanted…land and a farm. We were going to raise hemlocks and herbs. His aspirations were all right. His character was not. Two children later, he left.

Then there was the married college professor where I was the dream. I didn’t have the strength of character to say no…at least not for four years.

Then there was the bad boy in high school whom I adored. Even in my dreams today he has the power to slam me down with rejection.

Now, in the days of relative stability, I am unsure of what I am doing. Without the raging emotions driving me into relationship, I am left with logic and reason. Where’s the spark? Has my ‘sparker’ been medicated into submission? I’m just wondering if I will ever again feel that giddy flip flop of infatuation…or if I even want to. I’m overly cautious now. I don’t trust the assertions of others…particularly those men who know I’m bipolar and who believe all bipolar women are ‘over-sexed.’ So I pray for guidance and trust that in time I will know when I am safe and loved and willing to risk and give again.

I'm unstable

I've gone manic over a new friendship. I await emails and phone calls as if I have an addiction. If I don't get a grip, I am going to ruin everything. What do I do?

First of all, break the cycle of obsession. What else can I focus on? painting, writing, dishes, laundry,... I may go at them in a manic manner but they are safe, acceptable activities.

Then, make sure I'm getting enough rest and sleep. Mania disturbs sleep which exacerbates mania.

Contract emotionally. After child birth, if the uterus does not contract, the mother could bleed to death. After a great emotional upheaval, if I don't contract (regroup, center,...) I could bleed to death emotionally.

Find something else to focus on, something that feeds me emotionally because disappointment could be devastating.

I hate to have such a defeatist attitude but this is life we're talking about.