When Erratic Energy meets with Despair

This is where it gets dicey.  If you are familiar with bipolar disorder, you have probably heard the term 'mixed states.' You probably also know that suicide is attempted more often when the sufferer is considered 'agitated.'

In terms of energy, the state of 'mixed state' can best be described ( in my view) as rapidly changing and erratic.  Think of problems with the power lines when the lights flicker or glow brighter than usual, power surges cause appliances and electronics to pop and trip breakers, and computers don't know what to do and often shut down.

If you are attempting to monitor your energy, in conjunction with circumstances, it is nearly impossible to gauge.  At times like that, the state of your circumstances governs what you should do.  For example, if circumstances are okay, walking or meditation may be helpful to even out the energy.  Avoiding problematic situations (shopping, conversations which can go awry, or dealing with potentially stressful issues) is probably a good idea.

If circumstances suck, the combination of that with erratic energy can be dangerous.  Psychiatrists use the term "agitation" to describe the feelings of confusion, despair, hopelessness and panic...and all kinds of red flags fly up. Inappropriate outbursts at just about any frustration are likely.  Poor concentration and the inability to put things in perspective can lead to suicidal thoughts.

It is my suggestion to first 'table' all concern for the circumstances, if possible.  My table of choice is at the feet of Jesus.  Then get thoughts about the circumstances out of your head.  Write them down if you feel the need to keep track of the details but do what you must to quiet your mind.

Then, address the energy.  If it is intense, find a way to release some.  I listen to music that makes me cry...and I usually listen to it really really loud.  The first audition of Charlotte and Jonathan singing "My Prayer," does it for me; or Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings" (The premier performance by Arturo Toscanini, if you can find it); or "Bring Him Home" (Colm Wilkinson or Alfie Boe); Nessun Dorma (Pavarotti or, a personal favorite, Alfie Boe "warbles a bit").  I even cry when listening to "NASA's Orion Space Launch set to Interstellar Soundtrack (the 1st one listed)"

But, I digress.  The idea is to expel some energy in a safe and healthy way...and I think crying is healthy.

Before picking the circumstances back up, if you must, you should assess your energy.  If your energy is too low to deal with the issues, and if they can wait, let them wait.  Napping is good.

If circumstances are dire, you need to establish a safe situation for yourself.  Call someone who has experience with such matters.  Let someone, someone who will respond with compassion and strength, know what you are going through. Do not go through it alone.  Being aware of His presence will help, but if your thinking is distorted, your perception of His voice may be, too.

If you do not feel safe, take yourself to the hospital; let someone else do the thinking for a while.  You need to build up your strength so you can see things clearly again, so you can accurately assess your energy and your options and make good choices.

Jesus is there; help is available; you are not alone.  I know what of I speak.

Taking care of myself, wherever I am.

It occurs to me that I may not change.  This may be how it is going to be for however long I remain alive.  (deep sigh.)  Medications are not working like they used to.  I have been on them for too long.  I might as well not be on medication, or so it seems.  I cycle wildly and rapidly, regardless.

I can not stay in bed all day.  I do not sleep.  Even at night I do not sleep.  My hands and feet are constantly in motion.  I wake up stiff from being in motion all night.

So what do I do?

I make plans, plans of how best to take care of myself, depending on what state of disorder I am in.  For example, when I am manic, I will be careful not to start any new projects or make any new goals.  They tend to be unrealistic, overwhelming, and disappointing.  Also when I am manic, I will take advantage of the energy and get some exercise.  Long vigorous walks tend to burn out the jitters.  Walking and talking with someone makes it even better.  Manic energy is also good for cleaning out places like the basement, shoving stuff around and sweeping up dust and dirt.  Manic energy is good for mopping floors.  It is not good for filing paperwork, unless I am taking on the entire filing system.

If I had a good yard, manic energy might be good for gardening.  HOWEVER, over the years I have spent thousands of dollars at garden supply stores.  Not a good place for me.  So, I must limit my 'gardening' to raking, weeding, pruning, and sweeping.

Depression is good for inspirational reading, slow walks, writing, catching up on movies, watching the dog breathe, watching the snow fall, belly breathing, meditation, hand-washing dishes, clothes, windows.

Mixed states are tricky.  If I am depressed and agitated, it may be best to nap.  I'm not sleeping my life away, just this short phase of my life.  If I am manic and full of negative energy, I can write blogs or letters that I just don't post or mail.  And walk.

Today, I intend to look into what diets are best for which states of disorder.  In the meantime, I will head back down to the basement and work on the studio.

Managing Mania

I'm a rapid cycler which means my mood extremes don't last for months or years but rather for days or weeks...or minutes.  I've been manic for the past 5 or 6 days.  At first it was great tackling things around that house that needed to be done, throwing out clutter, clearing my desk, organizing my closet,...even going for long fast walks,...

But the last few days have been compounded with confusion, distraction, ADHD-type behavior.  I do have some Adderall that was prescribed last Fall but not started...I had too much crazy $#!+ going on at the time with medications and side effects.  All that has calmed down to a distracting hum...head tremor, busy tongue and jaw (Tardive Dyskinesia), dry mouth.  Maybe I'll try the Adderall today if I don't settle down.

In the meantime, there are several activities I think I will try.  One, is this...writing...getting a grasp of what is going on.  Two...making a "to do" list to get all thoughts and intentions out of my head and onto paper...complete with priorities and the time it will take to do each one.  Three...meditation, yoga, exercise...or maybe all three, after all I have all day.

"Having all day..." is the mindset that gets me into trouble.  I start out in five directions, make a list two pages long, feel really bad when I only accomplish the first four items, ...

Of course, there is so much more to managing mania.  Some manias are not productive but destructive, angry, and chaotic.  Agitated mixed states can be dangerous, in fact.  That's when we use doctors, hospitals, and 911.  My son paces.  I write...and walk...and try to Not go shopping.