I have a new GP

I have changed doctors...GP's, that is.  I was in a power struggle with my former doctor.  She is 12.  Well, of course she is older than 12, but she is very young and doesn't believe what I tell her.  If I do not manifest the symptom in her office, then they do not exist...symptoms like air hunger, head tremor, hesitation in my movements, burning tongue and throat.  I wanted to get a neurologist to weigh in on what was going on.  She would not refer me.  I called to get the results of my lab work.  She would not tell me what the specific numbers were, just that "everything looks fine."

The new doctor gave a talk on "Taking Charge of Your Health."  I thought, "Oh good, this is what I am looking for."  So, I scheduled an appointment with him.

I wish I could tell you he was different.  He pretty much dismissed my concerns.  What I referred to as 'air hunger,' he called a 'sigh.'  Really?  Since my head was not shaking at the time, he said it was a non-issue.  My psychiatrist takes me more seriously than that, but then I have been with him for more than 10 years.

But the new GP did bring up a valid point.  All of my weird symptoms are neurological, BUT there is nothing a neurologist could do to fix them...essentially, suck it up.  Well, actually, he said "live with it."  In all fairness, my psychiatrist had said these symptoms fall in the PITA realm...or, Pain In The Ass.

Something else the new GP said that was interesting was that my setting a goal to "Run before I die," may actually have been my own internal psyche's way of trying to heal my body of these strange symptoms...walking and running may ultimately even out the neurological noise that I am experiencing.  Okay, I can run with that.

Sorry.

I'm cycling again

I am cycling again.  We have lowered my dose of Lithium again to try to get rid of the tardive dyskinesia, dry mouth, metallic taste, and bitter tongue.  Those problems are better but not gone.  Problem is, I am cycling.  I have been manic for a few days...obsessively tackling the mess and clutter that has accumulated over the months and years of depression and denial.  Note, I think Abilify can make you feel like you are doing better than you really are.

So, I am manic, for now.  I am up at 5:30 am making my to-do list.  When I am going in four directions at once, the children make me sit and listen to music or do nothing for a while...which is painful because there is so much that needs to be done.

I have no life.  I am a human doing.  And depression will come soon enough.  I am overdrawn and it is only the 15th of the month.  The sewer has backed up into the basement.  My only joy is feeding the birds and I am out of seeds.

I am searching for new coping skills.  I have cleaned off my overflowing book shelf and isolated a dozen or more books of inspiration.  I have moved my chair over by the shelf and read random selections in the morning and at night.  I have downloaded a long series of stretching and strengthening exercises for my core and hips hoping that that will bolster my commitment to walk...and my dream to run.  And I watch the snow, waiting for Spring.

At least I am desperate to feel better.  A month or so ago I was considering the alternative.