Pain and Comfort

I'm on the path to gaining weight:  cereal at night, frozen yogurt, sugar in my coffee.  I have been needing comfort.  Broken sleep isn't going to help, either.

I have had a toothache for three or four weeks...ever since I had a tooth filled.  But that is not where it hurts. In fact, we can not tell exactly where the pain is coming from.  It hurts all over the side of my head and down my jaw.  I have been taking ibuprofen and Tylenol around the clock for weeks.  I hate to think what that is doing to my lithium levels...or my kidneys and liver, for that matter.

I'm tired of pain.  I'm tired of dry mouth.  I'm tired of non-stop tongue and jaw movement (tardive dyskinesia).  I'm tired of sighing.  I'm tired of not sleeping through the night. But, what I am doing for comfort is sabotaging the one aspect of my life that is going right for me these days:  My weight is down.  I have 15-25 lbs. to go but I've lost 25 lbs. since last Fall...when I stopped taking Abilify and we jacked up the Lithium...and I became so sick.

The challenge now is to identify some other activity that will comfort me and not harm me or my efforts.  For example...

• There are beneficial foods that can be comforting, like fruit, small amounts of protein, even cereal...just not in the middle of the night.
• There are books of inspiration and comfort.  (I may elaborate on this in a later post.) 
• There are music, candles, and incense.
• Favorite movies.
• Gentle yoga
• A long walk
• A short walk
• Bubble bath
• Hair cut (my beautician gives an incredibly nice head massage)
• Putting an area of the house in order, like my desk or dresser.  I find cleared, smooth surfaces (especially wood surfaces) soothing.
• Sweeping the floor (again with the wood surface). Of course, having someone else sweep the floor would be nice...but that requires a struggle...and that is a whole other post.

I need pain relief...I need comfort.  Do you have any ideas?  What do you do for comfort?  I'd love to know...

I'm cycling again

I am cycling again.  We have lowered my dose of Lithium again to try to get rid of the tardive dyskinesia, dry mouth, metallic taste, and bitter tongue.  Those problems are better but not gone.  Problem is, I am cycling.  I have been manic for a few days...obsessively tackling the mess and clutter that has accumulated over the months and years of depression and denial.  Note, I think Abilify can make you feel like you are doing better than you really are.

So, I am manic, for now.  I am up at 5:30 am making my to-do list.  When I am going in four directions at once, the children make me sit and listen to music or do nothing for a while...which is painful because there is so much that needs to be done.

I have no life.  I am a human doing.  And depression will come soon enough.  I am overdrawn and it is only the 15th of the month.  The sewer has backed up into the basement.  My only joy is feeding the birds and I am out of seeds.

I am searching for new coping skills.  I have cleaned off my overflowing book shelf and isolated a dozen or more books of inspiration.  I have moved my chair over by the shelf and read random selections in the morning and at night.  I have downloaded a long series of stretching and strengthening exercises for my core and hips hoping that that will bolster my commitment to walk...and my dream to run.  And I watch the snow, waiting for Spring.

At least I am desperate to feel better.  A month or so ago I was considering the alternative.

A Rough Winter

A while back I posted (railed, actually) about an incredibly insensitive pharmacist who declared that bipolar women my age quite often committed suicide because their medications quit working.  Well, it seems that has come back to bite me...the 'quit working' part, anyway.  Last summer/fall I developed Parkinsonian symptoms...tremor, primarily, but also dizziness, confusion, memory loss, hesitation, etc.  My doctor suspected the Abilify so we tapered that off and increased the Lithium. I wasn't sleeping so I was prescribed Lunesta.  A short time after that I developed Tardive Dyskinesia...my tongue and jaw would not stay still.  It affected my speech and eating...not to mention my appearance...and eventually affected my ability to swallow.  Then came the bitter tongue, dry mouth, and metallic taste.  Blood tests revealed that my lithium level was 1.2...within published therapeutic range, but way too high for me.  We lowered my dose of lithium and that helped the metallic taste.  We lowered it some more and added Mirapex to help with the other symptoms.

Long story short, everything got better...for a while.  I stopped the Lunesta.  It had quit working and apparently caused the bitter tongue.  But everything is back...Parkinsonian symptoms, slightly improved, tongue/jaw movement, dry mouth...and because I am on a lowered dose of Lithium, I'm cycling.  Some days I can't sit still and build 2-full page to-do lists, cleaning house all day; Other days, I'm so uncomfortable and foggy headed I just stand in the middle of the room and stare into space.

That is when I start wondering, "What is my life?"  I feel miserable, I don't want to be around anybody, everything tastes bad,...  On 'good' days I devise plans of attack.  Because I have lost 15 lbs. from not eating much (everything tastes bad and eating is difficult) I have decided to continue the trend by walking and eventually running.  I have decided that I want to run before I die; If not now, when?  Well, one week into the 7-week training plan, I develop sciatica.  Have I mentioned that I also have Fibromyalgia?

Another area for attack is my house.  When I was happily on Abilify, I wasn't paying too much attention to the state of things.  Without the happy-filter, I see how much needs to be done...hence the two pages of to-do's ...and that's just to get started.

In unrelated matters, I had a molar filled and the dentist owned up to lacerating my gum and hyper-extending my jaw joint.  I have been on Ibuprofen for days, which increases my blood lithium levels, which exacerbates my adverse side effects.  To top it off, my sewer backed up into the basement and there is 10-inches of snow on the ground.  I'M READY FOR SPRING in oh, so many ways!!

Thoughts of suicide?  Oh, they have been there.  I know how I would do it and I have even told my doctor and therapist.  I really have nothing more to say about that.  I don't want to prove that pharmacist right nor do I want to devastate my children.  So I continue to work with my doctors, try to exercise and eat right, take the current collection of meds, meditate/nap, and read for inspiration...except when I stand in the middle of the room and stare into space.

This post is probably not going to help anybody beyond letting you know that I understand.  Let me know if you want to chat.